Even If It Hurts
by Zack Fair's Booty
Summary: Kenma is forced to see a therapist after a suicide attempt. She believes that resurfacing his hidden relationship with his ex-boyfriend will lead him to a successful recovery. Kuroo is still not over Kenma, and finds difficulty in moving on from their breakup. Will these two be able to meet again and work out their differences so that they can be happy together once more?


"Why is my relationship with Kuroo so important to you?" Kenma snapped, folding his arms uncomfortably in front of his chest. "We're not together anymore. Shouldn't we focus more on something else?"

His therapist, who referred to herself as 'Coco', smiled weakly in the chair across from him. "We've been meeting for three weeks now and have had no progression. You've mentioned Tetsurou a few times, but I'd like to hear more about your ex-boyfriend."

"I don't want to talk about him." Kenma said sternly, wishing that there were a way out of the small, stuffy room. "He is irrelevant to my recovery."

"That may be, but simply talking about him may actually be vital to your recovery. Your relationship was kept under wraps for a very long time, correct? Wouldn't it be sort of a relief to finally talk to someone about everything without worrying about judgement?"

Kenma thought about this for a moment. Yes, their relationship stayed quiet for years. Only his own parents and a select few friends were aware of it. But they weren't aware of the intensity that their relationship held. They weren't aware of the things they did behind closed doors, or the words that were whispered into each other's ears.

And they most certainly weren't aware of the love that Kenma had for Kuroo. Even Kuroo thought that his love for Kenma was one sided, due to his inability to properly convey his feelings.

"Why don't you just start by telling me how you met? How did you and Tetsurou become friends?"

Kenma's heart beat rapidly in his chest. "Fine. I'll tell you how we met. Then can we be done for the day?"

"Of course."

Kenma slowly launched into his past, reliving it like it had only happened the day before.

* * *

"Kozume!" his mother had hollered up the stairs. "There's someone here to see you!"

Me? he had asked himself. Who would want to come see me?

He padded down the stairs, his dark blue first generation Nintendo DS at hand. A boy around his age stood at the door, smiling, a ball in his hand. "I need a volleyball partner!" he announced loudly with a grin. "Care to join me?"

Kenma studied the character. He was a bit taller than himself, but couldn't be more than a year older. He seemed familiar, but Kenma couldn't put his finger on it. "Why did you come here then?"

"Kozume!" his mother chided, grabbing his DS. "It's a beautiful day. Go play outside with Tetsurou for a while, okay?"

Kenma snatched at his DS, but it was far out of his reach. He knew that it would be a wasted attempt to try to hide in the house, so he slowly slid his shoes on and let his mother push him out the door until he was outside with Tetsurou.

"Come on, we can go to the park down the street!" the boy grabbed him by the hand and began to run down the pathway to the sidewalk.

Kenma yanked his hand away and slowed his pace. "I don't even know who you are."

Tetsurou turned and rolled his eyes. "I live across from you." he pointed at one of the houses on the opposite side of the road. "We've met before? When our mom's brought us to the park?"

"I haven't been to the park in years."

"Well, it's been years since we've talked then! Here." he held out his hand, locking the ball between his other wrist and hip. "I'm Tetsurou Kuroo."

Kenma narrowed his eyes at the hand. Was this another way for someone to humiliate him? He could barely remember meeting this kid when they were about five. He seemed nice enough…but that's how they all seemed at first. "Why did you randomly choose me to play with then?" he asked, cautiously grabbing the extended hand.

"All of my other friends are busy today. And I really want to play volleyball. And I remembered that you only lived right across from me so…" he ran a hand through his thick, black hair. "I didn't think you would hate it that much."

"I'm not good at volleyball." Kenma confessed.

"You just have to throw it at me! I'll hit it back at you, and you just have to catch it! It'll be really easy, I promise."

Kenma sighed, but they continued walking next to each other down the sidewalk.

There were many younger children playing on the playground, but Kuroo lead Kenma to an empty field. "Is this okay?" he asked, tossing the ball back and forth between his hands.

"You're the expert." Kenma mumbled.

Kuroo flashed a small side grin and took a few steps away from Kenma. "Okay. I'll throw the ball to you. And you hit it back to make like this." he threw the ball in the air, and when it came back down, he lightly hit it with his fingertips. "That's called a toss. I wanna work on my receiving-which goes like this." he threw the ball in the air again, but this time when it came back down, he bumped it with his wrists. "Can you handle that?"

Kenma's stomach flopped. "I can try, I guess."

"Alright! Here goes!" he threw the ball lightly up into the air towards Kenma, who surprised himself by actually being able to toss the ball back to Kuroo.

"Yes!" Kuroo exclaimed at the perfect toss. He bumped it back to Kenma, who was able to toss it back once more. This went on a few more times, but then Kenma ran out of stamina and stepped out of the way of the next one.

"I'm tired." he said simply.

"That was great!" Kuroo ran over to him and picked up the ball. "You're great! I didn't think that you would really be able to play well with me, but I was so wrong!" he clapped Kenma on the back. "Can we work on my spike? You don't have to do any running, I'll get the ball every time!"

Kenma shifted uncomfortably on his feet, jamming his hands into his pockets. "Do you really even need my help then? Can't you just toss and hit it on your own?"

"No, I do need you!" he spun his ball between his hands. "Besides, it's a lot more fun when you get to play with someone…"

For whatever reason, Kenma couldn't tell Kuroo no. Even though he wanted to collapse on the ground, he couldn't bring himself to do so while Kuroo wanted him to toss that stupid ball around.

Kenma sighed. "Fine, sure." he grabbed at the ball, but Kuroo dropped it and threw his arms around Kenma's neck.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" he exclaimed into Kenma's ear while the younger boy struggled to get out of his grip. "You won't regret tossing to me, I promise!"

"You're making me regret it right now!" Kenma yelled, and Kuroo let him go. "This isn't a long term thing though, okay? You can get your other friends to do it after today."

"Whatever. As long as I get to play with you today, that's all that matters." he took a few steps back from Kenma. "Okay, this time, toss the ball to me at a little bit quicker speed. Then I'll spike it."

Kenma nodded, readying himself. Kuroo threw the ball at him, and he tossed it like Kuroo had told. Except this time, instead of bumping it, Kuroo jumped into the air to meet the ball, and spiked it into the ground away from them.

Kenma was surprised at the speed that the ball had after Kuroo had spiked it. He prayed that the older boy had control over his spikes so he wouldn't somehow misdirect the ball and hit Kenma in the head or something.

"Again? That was really good!" Kuroo exclaimed, running after the ball.

This continued for a while. Throw, toss, spike. Throw, toss, spike. Throw. Toss. Spike. As much as Kenma hated to admit it, he didn't mind doing this seemingly tedious activity with his neighbor.

"You should really play with us when we get teams together!" Kuroo said after a while. "It's so much fun when there are other people who hit the ball back at you, or try to keep your ball from hitting the ground. And you're a really good setter, Kenma!"

"I don't want to." Kenma said simply.

Kuroo seemed offended, but didn't push the subject any more.

The sun began to set, and Kuroo called it quits as it was getting harder to see the ball.

While they walked back down the street, Kuroo bounced the ball on the ground. "I really had fun today, Kenma. I know you don't want to, but it would be really cool if you could come play with me again. Even if it's just us, that's fine with me. You're a lot better setter than most of the other kids. Even the ones who have been playing for a long time!" he grinned and slung his arm over Kenma's shoulder.

"It was a one-time thing, remember?" Kenma shrugged Kuroo's arm off.

"Ah. Well, even so. Say, you like video games, right? I'll bring my Gameboy over next time and we can play together!"

Kenma opened his mouth to protest, but Kuroo crossed the street to go to his house. "I'll see ya later, Kenma!"

Kenma groaned and walked up the pathway to his door. As soon as he opened it, his mother swopped in from the living room. "How was your day with Tetsurou? Did you play outside? Where did you go? What did you do?" she asked excitedly, wrapping him in a tight hug. "You're all sweaty! Were you moving around a lot?" she wiped his bangs back out of his face and planted a kiss on his forehead.

"Do you expect me to answer all of those questions?" he mumbled, pulling away from her.

She smiled and put her hands on her hips. "Only if you want to. Though, I would like to know how your day was. Your father just got home a little while ago, so supper hasn't been served yet. Are you hungry?"

"I'm not hungry." he said, pushing past her. "I think I'll just go to bed."

"At least take a bath first, Kozume!" she hollered after him as he set up the stairs.

He bumped into his dad at the top, who grinned widely and quickly scooped Kenma up into his arms. "Hey, big guy!" he squeezed him tight. "Your mother mentioned you were out with that Kuroo boy, how did it go?"

Kenma wrapped his arms around his father's neck. "It was alright. We played volleyball."

"You did? Was it fun?" he began to walk to Kenma's bedroom.

"It was alright. He's different from a lot of the other kids..."

He felt his father shrug and pat him on the back. "He seems like a good kid." he dropped Kenma onto his bed. "I believe I heard your mother tell you to take a bath."

"That she did." Kenma said, tucking himself into his bed.

His father smiled and kissed Kenma's forehead. "Fall asleep quickly so she doesn't have the chance to make you change or bathe." he whispered with a wink.

For the first time that day, Kenma cracked a real smile. "Night, dad."

"Night kiddo." he replied, ruffling Kenma's dark hair. He turned around and flicked the lights out before shutting the door almost all of the way.

Kenma couldn't believe how exhausted he was. Even though he didn't exert a whole lot of physical energy, the mere socialization was enough to wipe him out. Socializing was always more tiring to him than any kind of physical activity. Though, he came to realize that he really didn't hate Kuroo as much as he hated the other kids he had been forced to play with. Kuroo didn't pick on him, didn't point out his flaws, and didn't judge him for his choices.

It was sort of relieving. And he actually found himself hoping that Kuroo would come again the next day to play with him.

Just as he had been about to fall asleep, he heard his mother and father outside of his door.

"He didn't even take a bath!" she whispered. "I specifically told him to take a bath!"

"Come on, Natsumi." his father's voice soothed. "He had a long day with the Kuroo kid."

"That doesn't mean he should avoid his responsibilities." she pouted, and their footsteps began to recede down the hall towards their bedroom. "Although, I am really happy that he stayed out that long. I really thought he would be back after half an hour or so…" their bedroom door closed, and Kenma was left only with their muffled voices.

He knew that his parents worried about his lack of socialization, particularly his mother, but it couldn't be helped. He turned in bed, willing himself to fall asleep, but it would not come. His stomach began to grumble, so he made the decision to get himself out of bed to get something to eat.

After padding down the hallway and stairs to the kitchen, he quietly opened the refrigerator door. Right on the shelf that was eye level, he noticed a thick sandwich wrapped in plastic with a small note on it.

Figured you'd need a midnight pick me up. Love you ~Mom

A small smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. Even though his mother didn't understand his seemingly odd antisocial behavior, she really did know him better than anyone else.

As much as he hated to say or think it, she really was a great mom.

He grabbed a small bottle of juice and a bag of chips from the cabinet before going back up to his room to eat in bed.

On his way up, he noticed his DS sitting on the small decorative end table that usually only held a single vase with fresh flowers-his father's interior decorative touch. He picked up the blue console and silently entered his room, set out to spend the next six hours playing Pokemon.

* * *

His mother woke him up at ten o'clock the next morning and forced him to take a bath.

"Why can't I just wait until tonight to take one?" he argued as she shuffled him towards the bathroom. "I'll just be dirty by then anyways."

"Kozume." she said sternly. "If that's the case, you can take a second one tonight. You were all sweaty when you got home last night, and you need to make sure you're clean for the day."

"It's not like I do anything anyways…" he mumbled, glancing out the window.

Rain. His hopes had been high that Kuroo would ask him to come out and play again today, but there's no way he would want to play outside inthis weather.

"Even so, I want you to be clean my love." she kissed the top of his head. "Make sure to really scrub your hair. I think it's time to make you an appointment to get it cut as well."

"I like it long!" he reminded her. It was his security blanket, and much easier to hide behind than short hair.

"Just a trim then!" she began filling the tub. "You don't have to get it all cut off. I just want the ends to be clean cut."

Kenma sighed as his mother turned to leave the bathroom. Her constant obsession with things being clean and perfect made his stomach churn, as he was exactly the opposite. Sometimes he would pray at night that she would have another child because he knew that he himself would never be able to live up to her expectations. He would never be the perfect child that she always wanted. And that she deserved.

He sat in the bath for a while after she left, thinking about how much happier his family would be if they had a normal child. A child that didn't stay up all night playing silly games. A child that easily made friends and played outside with them all day. A child that wasn't a disappointment.

He quickly rinsed his face of the tears that decided to start trickling down, scolding himself. His parents would never be proud of him, but he didn't need to be a baby about it.

He got out of the tub after soaking for long enough that his skin was pruney. When he was dressed, he went back into his room and settled on his chair so that he could continue training his Mewtwo.

After only two minutes, he heard the thumping of footsteps running up the stairs. He ignored it, but was forced to jump out of his skin when his bedroom door was kicked in.

"I brought my Gameboy!" a rain soaked Kuroo announced proudly.

Kenma clutched his chest, calming his racing heart after the scare. "You could have knocked." he stuttered.

Kuroo collapsed onto the floor so he was sitting right in front of Kenma. "Then it wouldn't have been a surprise, would it have?"

Kenma said nothing, but he could feel Kuroo studying him. He flicked his eyes to the older boy's dark brown ones. "What?"

"Your mom said she heard you get out of the bath just now, but you didn't even dry your hair! Or comb it!"

"I don't need to, it'll dry straight."

"Ugh. Lucky." Kuroo attempted to run his hand through his own wet and messy hair, his bangs falling right back over his face. "My mom is always giving me a hard time about my hair. It never cooperates." he sat up on his knees and reached up to Kenma, stroking his hair. "Yours is even soft, too!"

Kenma swatted his hand away. "You can't just go touching people like that!"

"Like what?" Kuroo half smiled, standing up. "Like this?" he used both hands to tussle up Kenma's hair.

"Kuroo!" Kenma exclaimed, trying to fight him off. Even though he was extremely annoyed that this kid was touching him, a small smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. Since Kuroo was only a few inches taller than him, Kenma was able to reach up and start mussing up his coarse black hair.

The two of them began to laugh, causing Natsumi to peek her head in.

"Are you boys hungry?" she asked, a large smile on her face.

The smile that was on Kenma's own face dropped. "I'm not hungry." he stated bluntly.

"I could eat!" Kuroo said, attempting to fix his hair. He looked to Kenma. "I'll comb your hair for you and then we should eat!" he grabbed Kenma's hand and dragged him into the bathroom. "We'll be down to eat in a minute!" he confirmed, whisking by Natsumi.

Kuroo gently set the toilet lid down and forced Kenma to sit down. "Where are your combs?"

"I don't need you to comb my hair." Kenma whined, attempting to stand back up. Kuroo put his hands on Kenma's shoulders and pushed him back down. It only took him a second to open one of the drawers and find a thick comb that would break through the tangles in Kenma's hair.

Kenma decided it was too much energy to whine or try to escape, so he just sat quietly while Kuroo worked from the tips of his hair to his roots.

The action was soothing enough to nearly put Kenma to sleep. And Kuroo was so gentle, making sure to slowly pick at the small knots rather than tear through them.

"Your hair isn't a hard to brush through as mine is." Kuroo mumbled, running the comb easily through Kenma's hair to see if there were any last knots.

"Is that why you don't bother combing it in the morning?" Kenma peeked an eye open. "You had wild hair yesterday, too. Like you had woken up and didn't bother with it."

Kuroo grinned and attempted to run the comb through his own hair. It got stuck halfway down. "Like I said, my hair doesn't cooperate, so I usually just leave it be. 'Sides, it doesn't look to bad when it's messy….does it?" Kuroo's expression dropped, and he winced as he tried to pull the comb out from his hair.

"Uhh…no. It suits you. Here." Kenma stood up swatted Kuroo's hands away. "Let me try." he figured out how the comb was tangled and was able to remove it with minor hair pulling. "Sit down, I can comb yours now."

"Thanks, but no thanks." Kuroo turned to leave the bathroom, but Kenma grabbed his arm and jerked him back, forcing him to sit down.

"I'll be gentle, I promise." he used the same technique that Kuroo had used, starting from the tips and working his way to the roots. His hair looked shorter than Kenma's, but when it was combed all the way down, he noticed that it was almost the same length. It was just so thick and coarse that it stood out at every angle and appeared shorter.

He hadn't even realized that he was standing between Kuroo's legs, and the older boy had rested his forehead on Kenma's chest.

"Um…Kuroo?" Kenma gently shook his shoulder.

"Hmm?"

"I'm done."

"Oh." Kuroo's head shot back. "Sorry. You almost put me to sleep! I'm so used to my mom just ripping through..." his voice trailed off. "Anyways, your mom's probably wondering where we are!" he stood up, bumping Kenma backwards. He then grabbed the younger boys hand and dragged out the door and down the stairs.

"Tetsurou!" Natsumi greeted. "You look so handsome with your hair like that!"

"Thanks!" he smiled, taking a seat at the table. Kenma sat down next to him.

"Your father had to run." She sighed, sitting across from them. "Apparently one of his partners were lucky enough to get a very well-endowed client. But…they can't seem to meet the client's expectations. The company doesn't want to lose them, so your father had to go over and clean up the mess."

"What does he do?" Kuroo asked, wiping his mouth on a napkin.

"He's an interior designer!" she said excitedly. "He's actually the one who designed this house…he did the architectural planning as well! He's amazing with that kind of stuff."

"Oooohh." Kuroo looked around the kitchen. "It looks like he did a pretty good job!"

Natsumi grinned. "What about your parents, Tetsurou? We've all been neighbors for so long, but I don't think I really know much about them!"

Kenma watched Kuroo's mood darken, but Natsumi didn't seem to see it. "They keep to themselves a lot. My dad works in a factory across town and my mom is a seamstress. They're very average, nothing special about them." he shrugged them off.

"Well, I'll have to invite them over for dinner sometime."

"You can try." he said, picking at his food. "But they're not very personable. And they're always very busy…"

Natsumi furrowed her brows, but a smile still remained on her face. "Well, even so, you're welcome here anytime Tetsurou. I'm glad that you two have something in common!"

Kenma listened to the two make small talk, but he was focused more on Kuroo's appearance. While he was clean, his clothes were worn out and slightly too small. There were also three small bruises on his forearm that would have been hidden if he hadn't rolled up his sleeves to eat. Kenma racked his brain, wondering if those were there the day before, or if there were a moment that he had fallen while they played volleyball.

"Are you done eating, Kozume?" his mother brought him back to reality.

He looked down at his plate, which had somehow been emptied. "Oh. Yeah. Looks like."

"Well, why don't you two go up and play in your room? I can clean up in here."

Kuroo thanked Natsumi and followed Kenma back up to his room.

"What games do you have?" Kuroo had asked, flopping onto Kenma's unmade bed.

Kenma picked up his DS case and handed it to Kuroo.

"Holy-you have so many games!" he exclaimed, digging through them. "I only have two games. How many copies of Pokemon do you need?!"

Kenma shrugged. "I like to play all of them so I don't miss anything." his heart fluttered. "You play Pokemon?"

"Well…no…I always wanted to. I watch the show, but my parents would never buy me the game. I only got my Gameboy and games because they were cheap at a thrift store." he flashed is old model Gameboy, which was large and gray. "My parents don't think that money should be spent on such things."

"Oh." Kuroo looked back at his own Gameboy, which was much newer. "Well…I don't play those Pokemon games anymore. If you want to pick one out and keep it."

Kuroo's jaw dropped. "I can't do that!"

"Why not?" Kenma frowned, grabbing the case back from the older boy. He pulled out a small red cartridge. "Here, you can have this one."

"Because, these are yours. Besides…" he flipped his Gameboy in his hands. "It won't fit in this one, anyways."

"Oh. That's right. Hang on." Kenma bent down and began to dig under his bed, pulling out a small box filled with random pieces of technology. "Here. You can have this too." He handed him a Gameboy Advance SP. "It even has a light up screen and a chargeable battery!"

"Kenma…I can't accept that." Kuroo said sternly. "It's rude-"

Kenma shoved in into Kuroo's hands. "I'm never going to play it again. It'll just sit under my bed and collect dust. So just take it."

"My parents would never allow me-"

"So don't tell them!" Kenma exclaimed. "Or leave it here and play it whenever you come over. I'll make sure that it stays charged for you and everything!"

Kuroo examined the silver SP. "You're really not the kind of person I thought you were." he mumbled. "Thank you so much. I'll take really good care of it, I promise!"

For the next few hours, the two boys lie side by side on their stomachs in Kenma's bed. Kenma would offer pointers here and there, or explain different battle techniques.

After Kuroo had gone home and Kenma was forced to take a second bath (to get back into a 'routine'), Kenma made sure the SP was plugged in and charging before heading to bed.

For the first time in his life, Kenma fell asleep with a smile on his face.

* * *

"So, you took a liking to him almost immediately." Coco stated when Kenma became quiet. "You gave him one of your Gameboys, something that you wouldn't have done for just anybody, correct?"

Kenma nodded. "I suppose so. I guess…I guess I was desperate for a friend. And he was the unlucky victim."

"Why would you say that?"

"I took away some of the best years of his life when he could have been with someone worthwhile."

She frowned. "Don't you think he would have broken up with you if he felt that he would be happier with someone else?"

Kenma's eyes started to burn with tears. "You said it yourself. He was kind to me. He was kind to everybody. So…I'm sure he felt trapped, you know? He didn't want to hurt me by calling it off earlier."

"You know, Kozume, the only way you would ever know that for sure is by talking to him about it."

He snorted. "That will never happen."

"Why not?"

"Because!" he snapped. "If I talk to him again, then I won't want to leave him again. And he'll feel trapped, again. I…I can get better without him. Right?"

She smiled. "Of course you can. However…I'd still like to hear more about him. I understand that a lot of it is private, so here's what I want you to do." she opened one of her desk drawers and pulled out a medium sized hardcover journal. "I want you to write personal memories in this." she slid it over her desk to him.

"Why would I want to do that?" he asked, furrowing his brows. "Why would I want to relive all of those memories?"

"I think it would be helpful. I said this before, but I think it will be extremely beneficial to write down things in here that you never got to talk about with anybody else. All of these suppressed memories and feelings might just be dying to get out, and I'm hoping that if we can get them out, it will lead you to your recovery."

Kenma picked up the journal and flipped through it. "I've never heard of something like this. Don't people usually just write about how they're feeling in the present?"

"Sometimes. But you're very good about telling me your current feelings, I don't see a reason to have to write them down as well."

Kenma narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You really want me to come back into contact with Kuroo, don't you? That's what this is about, right? Trying to make me miss him?"

She sighed, a look of defeat on her face. "I won't lie to you, but yes. I think that rekindling your friendship with Tetsurou would help you tremendously. Everybody needs friends."

"Shouyou is my friend."

"Shouyou isn't as close to you as Tetsurou was."

Damn. She had a point. Kenma stood up, journal at hand. "I'll do it for a little while. But…I don't know how long I'll be able to. Because I don't want him in my life ever again."

She nodded, a smile still plastered on her face. "That's all I ask. If this doesn't seem to work, we'll find another approach." She stood up and extended her hand. "I'll see you again on Thursday?"

He reached back and shook it lightly. "I'll be here."

Without another word, he breezed through the door and practically ran out of her office.

I can't believe I agreed to this. he thought. Writing down all of my personal memories…this is going to suck so bad.

The walk home wasn't very long, but it exhausted him. He entered the house quietly, noticing his mother sleeping on the living room couch. After slipping off his shoes, he made his way to his room, shutting the door silently behind him.

He crawled into his bed, and despite being tired, was unable to fall asleep. He felt obligated to write some stuff down in his stupid journal. He hated the idea, but now that Coco had forced him to talk about Kuroo, that was all that was on his mind. He grabbed a pen from his desk and began to write about his childhood experiences with his best friend.

Even though it hurt, he had to give it a try.

 **Author's Notes**

Hey guys! I hope you liked this chapter! So far, my plan is to shift view points every chapter... that is, this one revolved around Kenma, and chapter two will revolve around Kuroo, and then it will go back to Kenma. I'm super stoked to write this! I have a lot of plans, so be prepared for smut, sadness, and quite a bit of humor :)

Like I said, chapter two will be from Kuroo's point of view. I also want to remind you that this IS a Kenma/Kuroo fic, but there will also be a bit of Kuroo/Bokuto incidents. I really love hearing what you guys think, so pleeeease leave a comment if you have the time! Thank you so much!


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